


The Perks Associated With The Apocalypse

by mickeygrumpovich



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, Fluffy Ending, M/M, Original Character(s), POV Alternating, Slow Burn, jealous! carl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 00:18:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4766393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mickeygrumpovich/pseuds/mickeygrumpovich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A pair desperately surviving, for the sake of surviving. A group, ready to do whatever it takes to protect themselves. The clashing of the two went as well as it could have. Now, Carl is faced with disocvering who he is. Is there room for happiness in a dead and unforgiving world?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1: The Journey We Faced

(Alex’s POV)  
I had known evil far before the world spun out of control. Far before the dead deemed it impossible for the living to survive. Yet although I had known such evil, nothing could have prepared me for what had come. 

It had been a year since the world spiraled into insanity. 

If it were not for my mother, I doubt I would have made it to our sanctuary. After spending all year with Nel in the middle of nowhere, creepers fiending for our lives, coming upon the prison was a shred of light in this otherwise dark and destructive world. 

Currently, I am staring at the unknown stain on the bottom of the bunk bed in front of me. Sadly to admit, there was not much to do between us. It was virtually impossible to clear out the front of the prison as there were only two of us. Leaving not much else but to simply exist. 

I’ve thought many times that it would be much simpler to just roam as a member of the undead, yet the survival instinct lingers inside of me, never letting me fulfill such thoughts. I had never told my mother, Nel these thoughts as she would begin to worry much harder about me than she already does. Instead I continue to age these ideas over the time I have, however much I have left. 

“Alex! Get your lazy ass up and eat”

I begrudgingly follow her order, parting with the ever interesting stain above my bed. Rubbing my eyes at the sudden light change, I lazily sit next to her on a bucket, and accept the canned spaghetti’os she offered. I began to slowly eat, staring at the fire we built inside the cell block. It was hard to appreciate the beauty of the flame, as I once did, instead I focused on what we had to do soon. 

“Our food’s running low.” I obviously stated, prompting her brows to furrow together as she ran through our options. 

I knew she would arrive at the conclusion I did.

“Either we go outside on a run, or attempt to get to the cafeteria in the prison. Both have risks though, what do you think?” She peered her brown irises into mine.  
I had been mulling over this for some time that I already decided what my opinion was on the issue. Taking the plastic spoon out of my mouth, I decided to voice my thoughts.

“Getting to the cafeteria’s dangerous; no place to hide. We should go on a run and get food, as well as other necessities; wood, clothes, water.” I gauged her reaction as she became deep in thought. 

“For a seventeen year old you’re getting to be much smarter than I expected” She teased, lifting the mood considerably. 

I grinned at her statement, and in exaggerated confidence, puffed out my chest. “Well of course. You’re getting pretty damn old.” 

She started laughing at my retort, which brought a genuine smile onto my face. My mother had especially seen her share of evil. Years ago I never thought I’d see her smile. Never did I know that it took an apocalypse to bring a laugh and smile out of her. 

“Then it’s settled, finish eating and get ready. We’re going outside the prison.” Nel concluded, sitting up and grabbing her backpack. 

I quickly followed suit, and threw out the metal can in my hands. Walking towards my cell, I began packing up. Water, blankets, matches, and some granola bars. Lastly, I picked up my weapon’s belt. On both sides of the worn-out tan leather were two hand swords, called Khopesh. Each one had a black handle, and a short sword which formed a semi-circle: my weapons of choice. I strapped my belt on, the familiar weight of my swords clinging to the sides of my waist. Immediately I feel far more secure, and in control. On my thigh, I equipped a gun sling. Inside rested a glock 19, with only one spare clip. 

I was thankful for my skill with my swords, it made the conservation of ammunition much easier. I remembered the first time I saw them. It was in some house, filled with memorabilia and novelty items. I almost walked right past them the first time. It was only due to a strange shining under the owners couch. It was then that I had discovered what is now my choice of weapon. I never did know what they were, until I had arrived at our first camp. 

Shaking the memories, I exited my cell to find Nel staring at me, quite proudly. I felt confidence blossom in me from her gaze. I was grateful for her, and her trust in me, regardless of my age and the fact that I was her son. She trusts me with her life and her back, which I reciprocate. 

“I’m thinkin’ we go hit the supermarket in the town closest to us.” She offers

“Sounds like a plan.” 

Off we went, past the tombs of the prison, to the blown up building which we had entered the prison from. We creeped past the hole in the fence, immediately I extract my hand swords as Nel grabs her machete. We begin slowly making our way to the forest. Walking close together in silence, the both of us awaiting the familiar moan of the reanimated. Surely enough, we heard the distinct snarling and stopped, raising out weapons; back to back. I saw the lone creeper limp her way towards me, as soon as she came close enough, my curved blade slammed into her brain and effectively dropped her like a sack of potatoes. 

We stayed in our position for a moment, listening if she had any friends who wanted to drop by. None came, so we continued our long walk through the forest, in search of the supermarket. 

The time passed by relatively slow as Nel and I slew the undead whose paths crossed ours. Once the supermarket came into view, so did the creepers who loitered around. Having dispatched them with minimal struggle, we had entered and began our search, keeping close to each other. 

(Carl’s POV) 

Our group faced a gruelling winter, to finally be given a spark of hope: The Prison. Daryl was on one of his many hikes looking for something to feed us, when he stumbled upon its sturdy form. 

“This could be it Carl! We can finally find somewhere safe for Judy.” 

I forced a grin at Beth, holding my baby sister. Although what plagued my mind was nothing short of horrifying. I still remember the barn my mother was forced to give birth in. Where she… Where I had to kill her before she turned. Now when I look at Judith, its equal parts love and fear, as her image serves me fresh memories of that night.   
I couldn’t help but think, if only we found this place sooner, she could have been safe and pull through. I shook my head, to rid the images that splattered my brain.   
Dad, Daryl, Carol, Beth, Judy, Glenn, Maggie, Hershel, T-Dog and I grouped together. 

“This prison is perfect; walls, gates, food, an infirmary…” He began, looking at us all with a determined gaze. 

“We take it, no matter how difficult.” 

Dad finished and looked at everyone, gauging the group’s reactions and looking to see if anyone disagreed. As expected, no one did. I tried to contain my optimism, it seemed as though every time I had become hopeful, tragedy struck. I adjusted my hat and walked up to my father, who at the time, was talking to Daryl. 

“When do we go?” I asked, and everyone seemed to stare at our exchange, likely questioning the same. 

We were all tired from setting up camp, and it was going to be dark soon. We would lose too much time packing up and getting there. My dad peered into my eyes and for a moment said nothing as he mulled it over. I stared right back, unflinching. 

“Tomorrow morning.” He concluded and continued with his affairs. 

I walked back into camp and laid on my sleeping bag. Thoughts began to gnaw on my consciousness. Mom should have been here. As well as Sofia, Dale, Andrea, and… and Shane. Thinking back to that night, the night we lost so many of our own back on Hershel’s farm, I remembered killing Shane. My second father in a sense. 

Guilt flooded my chest. I was a monster. I killed my mother, and Shane. Even now, I knew I would kill again, and again. As long as it meant that my family was safe. I tried to shut off my brain, pleading for some quiet and peace, yet it never came. 

This life we are forced to live in was absolutely pointless. No longer would my mother attempt at making pancakes, just so we can be the family that did that sort of thing on Sunday mornings. No longer would I go to school, and see others my age. I would no longer live, just be an upgraded version of the walking dead who we kill. 

I opened my eyes and looked around at my family, and landed on Glenn and Maggie. They were lucky. Finding someone to love in such a world, it was hard to comprehend. They snuggled closer inside their sleeping bag, wrapped up in each other, in every sense, whispering loving words. My chest constricted. I want that. 

I forced myself to turn and look away from them, begging for sleep to take me. I couldn’t wait until I had a task to solely focus on, I hated sleeping as it would unleash the thoughts that prevented me from rest. 

(Alex’s POV) 

The stench of creeper blood filled my nostrils. We were covered in their blood, which was a feeling I was used to. The smell never got better, yet I pushed it to the back of my mind. Nel and I returned safely and with goodies. Walking back into the prison was a relief. Our run was successful. We managed a couple bags of food, water, wood, some feminine hygiene products for Nel, more clothes, a couple flashlights, and books. Entering the familiar cell block, we unpacked and sorted our haul in silence. Nel was quite exhausted, a close call with a couple walkers drained her strength, as well as her mood. 

“You hungry?” 

Physically I was, yet I had no desire to eat. She seemed to sense this, and gave me a comforting smile, and reached to hug me. I wrapped my arms around her and sighed. 

“Yeah I can eat, I guess…” I replied once we came apart. 

“Change first. You stink!” Nel replied, attempting humor.

I gave her a forced smile, trying to appease her. These runs drain us in every sense. It was a reminder of the shithole in which we find ourselves surviving. I say nothing and go into my cell to change out of the ruined clothes, and reach to grab myself a simple black tee and some cargo pants. I take off my gear and weapons, and collapse on my bed. My bed. That’s a strange thought. From what we used to live like, it was a very awkward phrase. This world belongs to the creepers, the ones that truly hold the power. The living just accommodate space. 

Willing myself to stand, I glance back at my swords. A dread filled my stomach, a storm brewing in my consciousness. Grabbing my sword belt, I put it back on. Just in case. Walking out of the cell, I saw Nel attempting to start the fire once more. Per usual, I came over to help with arranging the wood. 

Once the fire glowed in an amber light, we prepared to eat. The act was to restore energy, yet my stomach was denied of hunger. Lately I had stopped feeling much. An unsettling numbness started to wash over me in the days that we’ve lived here. Before, I was so focused on surviving, yet now I had too much time. Insermountable time to ponder life, and its meaning. Time to think about god, and karma. 

We set up some cans on top of our makeshift grill and waited as we drank some water. The silence was deafening. To be honest, the one thing that scares me in this hellish world was the silence. At least when fighting or scavenging there was a goal, a task. Yet in the silence, when all is said and done, there was not much else to do then dread the world we live in.

Before my train of thought spirals out of control, I attempt conversation. 

“So I call dibs on Huckleberry Finn.” 

She gives me a snort and starts laughing, my intent precisely.

“Of course you’d pick the gay novel, my precious little homosexual” 

This time a genuine laugh escapes my lungs. I had told my mother that I was gay years ago. My father… He didn’t take it quite like my mom did. She found my confession strong; coming out was hard, that’s what she had told me. Nel was proud of me and never did judge me on my sexual preference. 

“So I guess I’ll be reading Twilight then.” She continued with a chuckle. 

A distant memory surfaces from before. Walking into Rosebush Secondary School, the new Twilight novel, all the talk of the school, and world for that matter. A novel about vampires, werewolves, and some emotionally awkward human. Those who genuinely enjoyed got made fun of, and those who hated it became better than those who liked it.  
Such was the talk of my school, and me, who never read the book- at the time- pretended I hated it.

Just thinking back to how stupidly simple my life was before brings a sad smile onto my face, one Nel didn’t see thankfully. Too busy scarfing down food I suppose. I reached for mine, wrapping it in a cloth, so that the metal doesn’t scorch my hand. Casual talk ensues between the two of us as we finish our meal. 

Once we finished, Nel grabbed her smokes and started making her way upstairs. Moments later, Nel and I sat in one of the cells upstairs, smoking a cigarette. One of the perks of this zombie apocalypse is that if I’m old enough to kill things, I’m old enough to smoke. I remembered how when I first started at 15, my father’s reaction was nothing short of hellish. Thinking back to my family in those days unconsciously brought a grimace to my face, one that Nel recognized.

“Alex, don’t think about it.” 

It seems that whenever I start thinking about him, my face contorts into a specific look, one which she instantly recognizes. 

“Hard not to.”

She gives me a pained smile. “He’s gone. For good ‘Lex, just try to put him out of your mind. I know I do.” 

I nod, and try to follow her advice, thinking about such memories weren’t worth it. Mentally throwing it into a box, I hide it in the depths of my mind. Instead, I focus on the feeling of smoke entering my lungs, and fill my brain with endorphins. Instantly calming me down. Exhale, inhale, exhale, until the stick between my fingers burnt down to the filter. I drop it into our makeshift ashtray, and in unison we stalk down the stairs to our beds, for another night in deep thought. 

The morning came far too fast for my liking. 

(Carl’s POV) 

Jesus. The sheer number of walkers in the front of the prison made it quite difficult to get through. After packing up and making the long hike to the prison and clearing it up, it was already the afternoon. Yet my dad was agile, and with our support we managed to cut them down, and run inside the prison. Here we were, taking in the security of its huge structure. 

“Down here looks like Cell Block C” My dad affirmed. 

Our group gets in battle formation, knowing that inside may have just as many walkers as outside. I glance to my dad and he silently motions to move forward. Making it inside, we found no walkers, instead we found something that could potentially be more dangerous. 

Dad’s revolver and Daryl’s crossbow locked on a woman. Short black hair, wearing a casual tee and some dirty jeans. My gun locked onto the back of her head, just in case.   
“Put your hands on your head and turn around. Now.” Dad orders. His voice a mixture of venom, and superiority. I could see her suddenly jerk in surprise, but do as she was told. Slowly she turned, a cool glare from her brown locked onto my dad’s. To my left I felt movement. Quickly I turn to look but it was too late. 

A boy. That’s what I saw. Holding a very sharp curved sword to my jugular. In a split second Glenn’s gun rose to the boy’s head, as did T-Dog’s. If it were not for the blade at my jugular, I would have stared at him in awe. He was young, I could tell. Only a few inches taller than me, dark hair messily hanging off his head. Yet his eyes, they were something of a dream. Green as the forest, but cold as the winter. Our gazes held, but from my peripheral vison I saw my dad stalk up to the woman and put his revolver to her temple. 

“You come right here, or you’ll be cleaning up her blood off the floors.” 

The boy’s eyes harden, a trace of fear leaking into his irises. In a swift motion his blade is lowered and he steps back to where he was ordered to, but not before leaving me a certain look. One I couldn’t quite decipher. Once the both of them were stripped of their weapons and searched, Rick resumes talking. 

“You both are going to pack up your stuff, and leave immediately. Or else.” 

I continued to stare and the boy, the rest of the group looking quite nervous. It was then when I heard his voice. Deep and steady. 

“No thanks.” The boy says with a smirk. 

I saw the woman give him look, it seemed quite… parental. Dad chuckled and pressed the gun to the temple of the boy. Before he could continue his threats, the woman spoke up. 

“Are you prepared to kill a woman and a boy?” It was not insulting, there was an edge yes, but it had its intended result; Carol spoke up and went to Rick.


	2. Chapter 2: Decisions, Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Time on The Perks Associated With The Apocalypse...  
> Tensions are thick. The young Carl's group, distrusting of the pair they encounter. At the challenge from Nel, Rick needs to decide if they can leave the prison unscathed. Carol speaks out, voicing the concerns of T-Dog, Maggie, Glenn, Hershel, and lastly, Carl.

“Rick, we need to discuss this. We don’t have to kill them. They are not a threat at the moment.”

My dad considers this carefully before he gets Daryl to lead them to a cell up above. Once the two were out of sight, we begin talking. My dad seemed unsure, yet was adamant about killing them or banishing them. Carol, Hershel, Beth, and Maggie were opposed. In truth so was I, yet I knew that my father would not want to hear my opinion, I feared speaking up would only strengthen his resolve.

“He’s a boy for Christ’s sake!” Maggie spoke up.

The debate continued to rage for the longest time. I sat there taking it all in. In truth I was conflicted. I wanted to keep my family safe, which was given. Yet, the pair in the cell seemed harmless. A boy and a woman, they wouldn’t give much trouble.

T-Dog had been in the middle of a heated discussion with Rick, that is, until Daryl and the woman from before were headed towards us. Daryl had his crossbow armed right at her, keeping her from making any sudden moves. The woman’s face filled me with a familiar feeling. It was how my own mom looked when she was trying to protect me.

“She said she needed to say something to you, Rick.”

Dad looked at Daryl and nodded, turning his gaze on her.

“Two options.” She started.

“One, you kill us both. Second, you take my boy, care for him and I will leave this place with only my weapons and never come back.”

My heart involuntarily swelled at her actions. It was something Rick would have done, something… something my mom would have done for me. Without another word she turned around and headed back to the cell. I was right. She was his mother, they didn’t look similar, which confused me at first, yet through her actions and expressions it was quite evident.

This time it was Hershel that spoke up.

“Rick, this is just a woman and her son trying to survive. They look like they can handle themselves, they could be useful. Also, we need to figure out how they got in, it’s obvious they couldn’t have come from the front. This could be vital to protect us. ”

He looked thoughtful as he considered Hershel’s words. Truthfully I had not considered how they came to be here, until now.

“We’ll ask the questions, if they’re to our satisfaction then we keep them around for a trial period.”

Glenn, Beth, Hershel, Carol, Maggie, and I sighed in relief.

 

(Alex’s POV)

I should have known such a place couldn’t have worked out for us. They heavily outmanned and outgunned us. From what I could see they seemed like normal people, but I knew they wouldn’t give us any choice in the matter. Worst case, they kill us. Something that Nel and I barely avoided the last time we were with a group.

 Back to the dangerous and bloodthirsty world in which we endured. Nervous sweat pooled at my forehead. Nel had left and gone to say something to their leader. She refused to tell me what it was, leaving me to nervously pace in the cell.

Even if I could find something here to defend myself with, it was futile. Once again I was weak, and powerless to protect myself and my mother. It fueled my rage. Suddenly I could hear the familiar shuffle of two sets of legs, I poised myself against the bars to see Nel. Her expression was unreadable.

Once she was safely inside I wrapped myself around her torso. Even though I had managed to put up a strong persona in front of this group, my insides were nothing but weak.

“What the fuck was that Nel?”

She gave me a melancholy smile and hugged me tighter.

“Alex I don’t know what will happen, but you will be safe, I guarantee it.”

Her words did nothing but evoke more fear. Although she seemed to believe her words, it gave me an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I continued to question her, until she finally told me what she was doing downstairs.

“I gave him two options. We die, or I leave and you stay here.”

Anger ignited inside of me, and my face felt hot. This was not what I had wanted. If she thought she could shield me from this shit storm today, she was dead wrong.

“There is no way in fu-“I began

“Alex.” One look and she shut me up.

The look on her face was terrifying, that of a caged animal. It was the same look she sported on the day everything began.

We sat in silence awaiting the verdict. Until the man outside our cell opened it, holding his crossbow to us and led Nel and I downstairs. I decided to go out in humble silence. If they tried to keep me here alone I’d run away. Maybe I’d kill them all in their sleep. I felt myself get colder and colder as we walked up to the group. Although once I locked eyes with the boy I had threatened before, I realized I probably couldn’t kill him. Or any of them for that matter. They had a child. For the first time since they invaded, I would gratefully accept banishment if it meant that I would be with Nel. Hell, I prayed for it. Their leader walked up to us, his revolver on his thigh, gleaming. The feeling of a dozen pairs of eyes on me only furthered the fear that gripped itself around my spine.

“How many walkers have you killed?”

The question took me off guard. It was probably evident as a small smirk fell on his face. The man turned his eyes on Nel.

“Too many to remember.”

His eyes drifted to me.

“Ditto.”

I had no idea where he was going with this. Maybe it was to see if sending us outside was a death sentence or not. Fair enough.

“How many people have you killed?”

My heart started to squeeze. I looked over to my mother and saw the painful memories that plagued us. The blood, all that fucking blood. Her voice didn’t betray her, instead it was steady, if not cold.

“Three.”

Rick looked towards me.

“One.”

My voice, thankfully, didn’t express my emotions.

“Last question.”

“Why?” He referred to the question prior.

“They deserved it.” Nel and I said in unison.

Their leader’s face showed nothing. No anger, or contempt. It was apathetic. My mind still couldn’t grasp why he was asking these questions. I had arrived at some conclusion at the first question, yet the latter made it seem unlikely. There was a chance he was sizing us up, seeing if we were worth killing. The thought made breathing difficult as fear squeezed my brain in its claws. Although this is what I had wanted, I reminded myself.

 An unsettling calm slowly came over me. No longer would I deal with these memories, the pain, the fear, the useless existence.

“As a group, we decided to let you stay. You put anyone in danger, or I even start to suspect you’re up to no good, I will kill you right on the spot.”

I blinked once

Twice

For a second my brain believed I hallucinated his words, it was only until Nel looked at me in utter surprise. Only then I realized that we were… accepted? Something like that. I didn’t know where to look, much less what to do. Thankfully Nel spoke up before the silence deafened us.

“Thank you”

After that everything seemed like a blur. All the new names to remember, the new faces. As well as the realization that we were not only safe, but were part of a much bigger and stronger group. I hoped it wouldn’t end as it did last time.

 

(Carl’s POV)

I had to contain my grin, difficult as it may have been. Their reaction, specifically the boy’s was far too humorous. He looked as if we started speaking a different language. Although it was understandable, from the way they walked down, it seemed they had accepted their fate and were ready to be killed.

I couldn’t stop myself from approaching the both of them.

“Names’ Carl, what about you guys?”

The boy continued to look at me incredulously, furthering my grin.

“Nel”

“Alex”

Alex… It was oddly fitting. Kind of hot. _Wait what?_ Well he was attractive, or something. Very actually. _Oh god what’s wrong with me_. I shook off the creepy thoughts in my mind and focused on what was happening. The pair were in the middle of getting introduced to the group, I could see they felt a little overwhelmed. Before I could say anything, Hershel stepped in.

“Well you guys probably want to get some rest, but we could really use your help.”

The walkers we had dispatched still laid on the field in the front. With the remaining time left in the day, my dad had decided to load them up and dump them outside the fences. If their bodies started to decompose into the ground, it would make it hard for Hershel’s plans for farming.

Once he explained this, the two were eager to help, or eager for the distraction.

Alex and Nel received their weapons, although it was obvious my dad wasn’t quite comfortable with that. Instead of refusing them, he kept his gaze on them the entire time. The group, besides Beth, and Judy, followed Daryl out, and began the tiring task of hauling the bodies onto the trucks. Maggie and Carol drove, as the others did the heavy lifting. Hershel and I manned the gate, ensuring that they made it out safely, without any walkers wandering in.

The sun began to set just as we had finished removing the walkers. For the first time I saw the field, it was much bigger without the walkers cluttering it. The grass was a vibrant green, but not as majestic as Alex’s eyes. For the most part, I had tried to avoid the pair. Nothing against them, but the boy’s presence made me feel somewhat self-conscious.

By the time we all lumbered in, exhausted, everyone made their way into the cells with their respective belongings. Nel was casually talking with Alex, and Carol. Obviously Carol was much more sociable then I. But before long, with a polite smile, the two of them walked into their respective cells.

I made note of where it was… for curiosity purposes. Nel’s cell seemed to be the one where Alex appeared from in the beginning. Alex’s cell was at the very end of the row, near the stairs. _Paranoid much?_ I chuckled.

“What’s up?”  T-Dog eyed me curiously.

“Just thinking about all that’s happened, all in one day no less.”

It wasn’t quite the truth, yet not really a lie. T-Dog seemed to satisfy his curiosity and moved to settle himself in the second sell. Daryl being, well Daryl, grabbed his stuff and set it on the board walk, at the stairs.

“Carl, be careful around them.”

I supressed a jerk at the sudden intrusion of thought. It was my dad, of course, although I wasn’t particularly pleased with his words. It wasn’t like the two of them could take us on without alerting someone, especially Daryl. He was a hawk.

“Oh please, I can take care of myself.”

I didn’t bother to see his face. Instead I grabbed my stuff from the floor, which was just a single bag. Without thinking too hard about it, I gravitated to the cell next to Alex. Just to keep an eye on him. Inside the cell was decently clean. I could still smell the faint smell of walkers, but it definitely beat sleeping on the cold hard ground. I spread out my sleeping bag and laid it on the bottom bunk. I took a moment to remind myself to not get too comfortable here. If Nel, Alex, and our group could find this place, someone else could. Not to mention what would happen if the walkers found a way in.

Suddenly I heard a sound of footprints in the cell to my left, Alex’s.

Curiously I stood near the door, away from his sight, and studied him as we walked to the middle of the room, near their fireplace. He bent down to pick something up and my eyes traveled over his body. He was lean, but obviously packing more muscle than me. In fact, he was quite good looking. _Not that I’m interested or anything._ I assured myself. Even if I wasn’t interested I could still be his friend. It was a very long time since I met a guy near my age.

My eyes travelled to what he was holding. A brown book. His swords were still around his waist. If I had to admit, his weapons were pretty awesome. No need to reload, no sound. Suddenly my body moved, on a whim.

“Nice swords.” _Wow. I am very smooth. Great conversation starter._

Surprisingly, he gave me a crooked smile, one which suddenly made me very nervous. After realizing I was nervous, I became even more so at the thought of him noticing that I was. I almost didn’t hear him as I was stuck in a black hole of thought.

“Yeah, saw them when I was looting some house in the early days of the outbreak.”

I smiled and couldn’t help but try to continue the conversation.

“Lucky. You never need to recharge, I-I mean reload.”

 _OH GOD. Did my social skills degrade that much over the year?_ A light blush blossomed on my cheeks, furthering the embarrassment. The guy probably won’t want to talk to me, after this. _Way to make a good impression. Not that it matters… but it kind of does._

Suddenly he’s laughing lightly.

“Well you’re right about that. By the way Carl, how old are you?”

The way he said my name, and the way he laughed, it seemed like he didn’t mind my stupid slip up. I eagerly replied.

“16, you?”

His smile was still present, a gleam in his eyes.

“Only a year older. To be honest I never thought I’d see another teenager.”

His comment surprisingly filled me with pride. I was younger than him but I still managed to survive.

“I honestly thought the same.” I chuckled.

Our conversation ended shortly after, much to my dismay. From the windows, small as they may be, showed that the sun had already set. There wasn’t much else to do much settle into the cell for the night. In all, it was an exhausting day. The new arrivals though, they seemed nice. Especially Alex.

As I climbed into bed, I stared at the top bunk. Amongst all the noise in the cell, sleep was difficult. I listened in to the cell next to mine. Regretfully there wasn’t any sound. As usual, the loneliness crept in.  Swelling into my chest cavity. To distract myself, I thought of Alex. His eyes, a brilliant shade of jade. Questions began to surface. I was glad for the distraction as I pondered over them.

How did he get inside?

Where was the rest of his family?

Who was the one he killed?

Why did he make me so damn awkward all of the sudden?

Sleep never did come…


	3. Chapter 3: Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Time on The Perks Associated With The Apocalypse...
> 
> The acceptance of Nel and Alex was a major triumph. This is especially true in the case of Carl Grimes.

(Alex’s POV)

I was fucked. Very fucked, actually.

I’m quite self-aware, which is why I had discovered something unsettling about the blue eyed boy in the cell next to mine. I had a crush, an infatuation. Which is unsurprisingly a very dumb idea. Firstly, Carl’s dad is the leader, on the off chance he’s interested, I would rather not be decapitated on the spot by Rick.

I turned to the other side, thoughts weighing heavily on me. Secondly, there was no chance with him. I mean damn, the first time I saw him I had my sword at his neck.

My suddenly mind thought back to that blush that adorned his freckled cheeks. It was adorable, very. He was probably uncomfortable around me, which does make sense since they don’t seem very trusting of others. Yet, he was kind enough to strike up a conversation. _Jesus, this is bad._

Lying in bed for what seemed like an eternity, I finally got up. Exiting the cell quietly I grabbed my smokes. I glanced at the neighboring cell. _Well he blushed, and chose to sleep next to you._ My brain offered. I shook my head, no point in getting my hopes up. The only thing I could do was ride out this stupid crush. Suddenly a very good thought occurred to me.

Because of them, I don’t have to smoke inside, I could finally go out into the refreshing air. I carefully walked past the cells, and crept out into the night air all the while I could feel a smile on my face.

It had been a long time. A very long time since I could just sit outside, and enjoy the air without the threat of walkers chewing me apart. I sat on the grassy lawn of the prison and lit my cigarette. Such a simple pleasure was hard to come by, I had decided to make the most of it.

Lying down, I could see the sky open up and grace me with its exuberant light. It was, for lack of a better word, majestic. It felt as though the sky could open up and transport me into the stars. Inhaling the smoke into my lungs, I felt peace and relief cloud my senses. After all that happened today, I really needed one.

I couldn’t keep myself from chuckling at the irony of it all. My captors turned allies in less than an hour. Also, the fact that one of the allies is pervading my thoughts. His brown mop of hair, which did nothing but hide the azure pools from my sight. Probably for the better, I don’t believe I’d be able to stop myself from getting lost in them.

I probably should tell Nel, better than her figuring it out one day and catching me off guard. I flicked the ash away from the stick in my fingers and brought them towards my mouth again. It was then when I suddenly felt a presence.

 

(Carl’s POV)

Well that’s… odd.

Of course this new stranger kept me up all night in a flurry of inner monologues. Although that wasn’t the strange part. Instead it was his soft footfalls down the hall. I suddenly got up, very curious. I saw him grinning to himself, it was damn cute. I didn’t even bother trying to pretend I didn’t say that. It was all I was thinking about as I laid restlessly in the bed.

Curiosity getting the best of me, I stuck my head out, and looked to see if anyone saw him, and to my relief no one did. Getting out of the cell was simple, I was quiet, and no one was awake, the day drained everyone’s energy.

The hard part was looking at him lying down there, in all his glory, sucking on a cigarette. From here he hadn’t noticed me, which gave me enough time to watch as his hands crept to his mouth, and his illuminated lips wrapped around the stick. My heart started to pound, and I sighed. This was probably bad.

I liked the guy

Which is a stupid thing to do.

My feet made their way towards him, he didn’t notice my presence until I was close enough. He suddenly tore his gaze off the sky and looked directly at me. The same orbs which haunted my mind just earlier.

Suddenly I realized this was a bad idea. I practically cornered the guy, giving him no choice but to talk to me. I wished I could just walk away, but that’s even more awkward. _What is this guy doing to me, voodoo or something?_ He got up from his position and stood, flicking ash to the side, a heart stopping smile directed at me.

“Stalking me?”

I blushed. _Hard._ Thankfully the darkness didn’t allow him to see, and once again I was very grateful of the dark.

 “Well of course, someone has to keep you in check.”

I hope that wasn’t insulting, although now that I think about it, it probably makes it seem like I don’t trust him. Internally I cringed. Would I always screw up this hard when I’m around him?

“Well I’d rather it was you”

Now that right there stopped my heart. I wasn’t in school for long, and never had any sort of romantic experience, but that was flirting. I think. I hope. I regained my composure and shot back.

“Now you’re never getting rid of me.”

To my delightful surprise he laughed, a genuine lighthearted one. I was screwed, but I loved it.

“I don’t think I’d want to.”

My brain scrambled to find some response, but drew nothing but blanks. Before the silence took an awkward edge I thought fast for something, anything, to keep the conversation going.

“So, uh, you smoke?” _Greaaat job Carl. Spectacular._

“I mean, since when?”

He looked at me, not phased in the slightest, and I grew shameful. Here I was obsessing and dissecting every little phrase, and Alex kept cool. In fact I was a little jealous. Before all of this started, he was obviously a very popular guy, I mean look at him. Beth would probably think so as well.

“Started when I was about 15, which is probably a pretty bad age.”

He chuckled and flicked the cigarette away.

_Damn, every little thing he did was endearing._

We chatted about some random things. The longer I talked to him, I began to understand he was a pretty simple and laid back guy. It made talking to him much easier, which I was really grateful for. I won’t delude myself into thinking I have a chance with him, being his friend seems like a much simpler and less embarrassing plan.

He told me about Nel, and how she was an amazing cook. In return I told him about my mom’s pancake disaster every Sunday. I was grateful he didn’t ask about her, he obviously understood I lost her. In return I didn’t ask about his dad, it was probably too painful. Instead I told him about my obsession with candy, which graced me with another laugh from him.

“Do you like to read?” Alex grinned at me

“Yeah, but I never really have the time. Mostly I keep an eye out for comics.”

He started telling me about the book he was currently reading, something called Huckleberry Finn. It was something of an adventure book, from what he said.

“It’s pretty interesting, the main character is gay, and has to deal with a lot of problems.”

 _Gay._ Is that what I was? I quickly responded but in the back of my mind I started thinking hard. I liked this boy, so that makes me gay, right? I never really liked girls or boys back in school, and since all this started I haven’t had the chance to even think of relationships.

“Something bothering you?”

His question caught me off guard. He was a pretty observant guy.

“Nah, I’m probably going to sleep. I’m damn tired.”

I stood up, stretched, and looked back at him, Alex only peered back at me, looking. Looking for what, I did not know. Although he snapped out of it and joined me in my silent walk back. Back to our respective beds I suppose. Before I went inside he grabbed my shoulder, effectively stopping me in my tracks. Tingles exploded, filling my stomach with something unidentifiable.

“Hey uh…” He began, looking down at his shoes before his gaze slid onto mine. We stared at each other for a moment, me waiting, him hesitating.

“I just wanted to say sorry.”

I looked at him confused. Prompting him to explain what he meant.

“You know… For pulling a sword to your neck.”

That brought a sweet smile onto my face. He was such a nice guy to even apologize for something like that. It was our fault for that anyways.  

“Well we did threaten you guys, let’s call it even.”

His smile mimicked mine, and we parted with simple goodnights. My shoulder still buzzed from his touch. It was like I could still feel it. Warm, and strong. Slipping into bed with a smile, I floated quite easily into sleep.

 

(Alex’s POV)

By the time morning rolled around, I laid in bed remembering the night before. Remembering the way the breeze swayed Carl’s hair away from his eyes. Remembering the way his shoulder felt under my hand. I had a suspicion. A very small little thought that occurred to me.

He _might_ like me back. The way his body tensed up at my touch, his nervousness, and even that blush I saw when he first came to me. It made me giddy to even think about. Never in a million years did I believe I’d fall for anyone ever again, nor there a chance for my feelings to be returned. I’ve had only one boyfriend in my life, one that ‘broke my heart’. Although now that I think about it, I was a different person then. Try as I might, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember his name.

In fact, I’m no longer who I was before all this began.

Although I assume Carl hasn’t had any relationship experience, when I brought up the gay novel I was reading, he seemed to be in deep thought. Another reason I suspected he might have some sort of feelings for me.

With a smile, I wake up and almost bump right into Nel.

“Mornin’ Lex”

I rolled my eyes at her pet name for me as I greeted her and we sat down and began to eat. It seems that I woke up pretty late, since almost everyone was awake and eating. Well except for the Blonde girl named Beth, and Carl.

“What are you grinning about over there?”

“Nothing you need to worry about Nel”

I playfully shoved at her to prove my point, which only makes her smile wider. The others seemed to look at us strangely. I didn’t really understand why though. That is, until Glenn spoke up.

“Why do you call your mom by her first name?”

His question wasn’t rude, only full of curiosity. It also seemed that it was why everyone was looking at me weirdly for. Nel just laughs and begins to explain while I continue eating.

“We’re equals, he’s got my back and I got his. A mom is usually in charge, and the son listens. We didn’t think it was really necessary for the way the world is now. So he just calls me Nel.”

They seemed to be quite impressed at her wisdom, Hershel and she begin to talk about the way the world is now, or something. I just focus on Carl, who was pretending he wasn’t listening into the conversation.

I could see he was making his way towards me, until someone plopped into the seat next to me. I looked up and saw it was Beth, although this time she was without Judith. She smiled at me and began to casually talk to me. From afar I saw Carl’s eyebrows furrow.

 

(Carl’s POV)

I seriously need to calm down. It wasn’t even that big a deal. She didn’t see me aiming for that spot so it’s okay. Although no matter how I tried to appease my irritation, it just grew the longer they talked. Just looking at Beth’s body language it was clear as fucking day.

She liked him too.

The way her laugh was a little louder than usual, how her eyes gleamed, how she would keep touching him unnecessarily, and of course the way her voice pitch was much higher than usual. I pretended I didn’t see and ate my food in silence. That is, until Daryl came up to me.

“What’s with the face?”

_Was I that obvious?_

“Stomach feels a little weird. It’ll probably go away soon though.”

He nodded and we continued to talk here and there. I felt a little bad lying to Daryl. He and I became pretty close over time. I tried to put Alex out of my mind, there wasn’t much I could do about it. I kept my eyes off the both of them, ignoring the laughter and touches she stole from Alex.

Suddenly dad spoke up, directing his question to Nel.

“How exactly did you two get inside?”

Nel was in the middle of chewing, making it hard for her to respond. Alex saw this and answered for her.

“There is a blown out building in the back of the prison, that’s where we came in.”

My dad seemed in thought for a moment.

“Makes sense, that’s where the walkers that weren’t from the prison came from. We need to block it off so they don’t build up.”

Nel agreed, and the both of them were accompanied by Daryl in their planning. After everything was settled, Glenn, Maggie, and T-Dog were tasked with going on a run for more supplies. Our group wasn’t going to have enough to go around, especially with the fact that there were two extra mouths to feed. They finished up their breakfast and began gearing up.

“Daryl, Nel, and I’ll go secure the back building.” Dad stated, and they too began to strap on their weapons.

“I’ll go too, you’ll need more hands.”

I looked at Alex, who stood up and made his way over to the trio. Suddenly I felt the need to prove myself, no way was I going to sit back and let them treat me like some child. Again.

“Me too.”

Alex looked over at me and grinned, understanding illuminated his features. He _was_ observant. My dad on the other hand was anything but.

“No Carl. You’re going to stay here and protect the others.”

Once again the familiar feeling of uselessness and irritation filled my veins. I wasn’t going down without a fight.

“Alex is only a year older, and he can go?” I challenged.

At this point, those who were still in the room focused their attention on the scene that played out between the two of us.

“Alex is not my son, he’s coming because Nel is allowing him to.”

Realizing I couldn’t fight this, I scoffed and stormed into my cell. It was unfair, I was tired of him always trying to shelter me from the world. I was not just some teenager, I was a man. I had handled myself and proved myself numerous times, yet he didn’t care. My fists were balled into a white grip, feeling my face grow hot from the anger, and embarrassment. Suddenly the curtain in which covered my cell was drawn back, Alex’s figure making his way next to me on the bed.

“You okay?”

I said nothing, which made his brows furrow.

“Your dad’s just trying to protect you, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t tru-“

Before he finished, I cut him off, rage still fresh in my body.

“Just go. I don’t need to hear this from you.”

He looked taken aback, and hurt. I saw he tried to say something again, I only glared at him. He seemed to get my point as he walked away and out of my sight without another word. I growled silently to myself in exasperation. Why is everyone taking his side?


	4. Chapter 4: A Mother's Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Time on The Perks Associated With The Apocalypse...
> 
> A heated argument led to some choice words.

I laid on my bed for what seemed like an eternity, silently stewing in my own anger. That is, until Hershel came and sat on the edge of my bed. I said nothing, silently willing him to leave me alone.

“I understand your anger, and desire to prove yourself. You have, and your father understands that you can take care of yourself, but he is your dad, so of course he’s going to be unreasonably protective.”

His words were right, and I could feel the anger slowly slipping away only leaving guilt. I had taken my anger out on Alex, something he truly didn’t deserve.

“You’re right.” I began.

“But it still makes me mad.”

He gave me a soft smile, full of understanding and wisdom. Hershel was good like that. He knew exactly what to say, and how to say it.

“You should apologize to that boy, he seemed quite hurt as he left your room.”

I sighed heavily. He was, as always, right. Hershel didn’t hear what was said, yet he was good at analyzing people.

“Yeah, I should. I was just taking my anger out on him. Thanks.”

Once again I was given another of his sweet smiles as he left and went about his business. No longer was the anger flowing in me, instead it was replaced by equal parts humiliation and guilt. My outburst only showed how immature I was, Alex obviously saw that. I shook my head and tried to rid the expression of hurt painted on Alex.

 

(Alex’s POV)

The slaying of creepers -or walkers- as the group called them, was a good distraction. Focusing on the lumbering walker heading towards me, I stuck my left sword into its chest. The first sword limited his advance towards me, as I delivered the final blow with my right hand, the walker’s head sliced in two, his body dropping. I ejected my left sword from its body with a splatter of blood spraying onto my shirt. It left a stench that burned my nostrils. Ignoring it, I tuned into the others movement. Daryl took out those in our blind spots, evident as a walker limping it way towards Nel was dispatched quickly with an arrow to the brain. Rick, with his ax quickly slew those that got close enough. And lastly, Nel, whose machete’s long reach ended their reanimated state left and right.

The fight through the tombs was quite simple. The four of us working quickly and quietly until we reached the building Nel and I found only days ago.

“Daryl, Nel” Rick called out, gaining their immediate attention and tossing an orange wire at Nel.

“Tie up the fence, so there’s no way that walkers can come through. Alex and I’ll bring out something to rest against the fence.”

Everyone went about their jobs. Nel; tying the fence together. Daryl; taking care of walkers through the fence with an arrow. Rick and I got our weapons ready, and circled back the way we came. I saw a storage closet we hadn’t noticed before and called the both of us to a halt.

I tapped the door with my right sword, and immediately the familiar snarls invaded the otherwise quiet tombs.

“I open on three, we take them on.”

I nodded, silently agreeing with Rick, and poised myself to fight. There didn’t seem like too many walkers inside, although it was hard to tell.

One

Two

Three

Immediately three walkers lunged at us.

With both swords, I brought them down on the two walker heads, and they fell to the floor. The third fell shortly with a mighty ax to the brain. Rick brought up his flashlight to look inside the storage closet, inside there were no signs of the reanimated dead. We walked inside in silence.

Rick noticed two boards, made of wood. He signalled me to grab one, as he picked up the other. We made our way back to the rest of the group. Nel and Daryl seemed to be waiting for us, the fence sewed up in orange. Daryl grabbed a board out of my hands, and propped it against the fence, Rick followed suit.

Mission complete, I suppose.

The four of us, splattered in walker juice, made our way back to the cell block. Once inside each of us went to change, well that is, except for Daryl. He obviously didn’t seem to mind the smell. I noticed Nel come to the same conclusion, a smirk illuminating her features.

“Hey! How’d it go?”

Beth grinned at me widely, her misty blue eyes locked onto mine.

“Easy peasy” I gave her a thumbs up.

I excused myself to go change, and headed to my cell. Although not before scanning the block for the familiar face I had tried hard to ignore, which was nowhere to be found. Inside I stripped myself of the blood soaked articles of clothing, and put on a fresh shirt and some jeans. Sudden movement caught my eyes, as a familiar figure entered my room.

“Hey.”

I gave Carl a polite smile, feeling awkwardness fill the room. Our last conversation was on endless repeat as the silence stretched on. He sat next to me and released a heavy sigh.

“Look, I’m sorry about before. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you, you were probably trying to help.”

Relief flooded my being.

“Heh, its fine. I figured as much.” I began.

“Did you talk to father about it?”

He shook his head, and looked in deep thought. Until he broke the silence.

“He’s always like that, and we’re both pretty stubborn. Usually it works itself out.”

I nodded, understanding the stubbornness of parents. Nel, before our arrangement, had a similar problem. She hadn’t wanted me to fight, carrying the burden on herself. It was only until we had an explosive argument that we realized that things had to change.

“Anyways, don’t worry too much about what you said to me. Stuff happens.” I assured.

He gave me a sweet smile, obviously relieved.

He and I briefly talked about how the trip down the tombs went, until his eyes focused on the book I was reading, a complex expression reaching his features. I only laughed at his expression, it was similar to the one last night.

“Not a homophobe are you?” I joked, smiling.

His eyes narrowed in confusion.

“A… what?”

I studied him for a moment. It seemed that he didn’t know the word. Which shouldn’t have been too surprising, he was probably only 14 when all this began, so it made sense he never heard the word. I chuckled to myself, his eyes playfully glared at me.

“Homophobe… It’s someone who hates gays, or thinks it’s a sin.”

He looked even more confused at my definition, a flurry of questions escaped his lips.

“There’s people like that? Why? I don’t get it.”

I painfully smiled at his innocence. If only all people thought like that. I had experienced my fair share of homophobia. My first boyfriend couldn’t handle being with a guy, leading him to break up with me because he didn’t want to be gay. Even worse, those who didn’t even know me hated me because they suspected I was gay. I never did officially come out, but it seems I was quite obvious with my sexual preferences.

“I don’t really know what to say. I mean, people think a guy is supposed to be all macho or something, and being gay is looked as weak and disgusting. Which is why gay people get picked on often.”

An angry expression came to him.

“Did they hurt you because of it?”

I smiled sadly, it was all the answer he needed. He stood up and started pacing, agitation in his voice.

“That’s so stupid! Why should they stick their nose in your business? Assholes.”

I stood up and grabbed his forearm, calming him down and effectively stopping his pacing. He returned to his spot, pity replacing his agitation.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with things like that.”

Surprising both of us, my arms wrapped gently around him. He softened in my embrace and slung his arms around my waist. We held each other for a quick moment, pulling apart with shy smiles. Sadly the moment was ruined by none other than Rick. Immediately we sobered up, poker faces on.

“What’ya doin’ Carl?”

The phrase wasn’t interrogative, but it was quite obvious he was confused as to why we’ve been in here a while. Immediately Carl spoke up.

“Alex here’s introducing me to a book. I have nothing to read in my free time.”

I supressed a chuckle, he was damn smooth. I doubt his dad would appreciate me teaching him about such heavy topics. To further prove his point I shook my book playfully at Rick, who surprisingly showed us a crooked grin. An approving one, no doubt. Once he left Carl begun laughing, which I immediately returned.

“Speaking of books, do you actually want one of mine? I’ve read all of them already.”

He happily agreed. I gave him a brief synopsis of the books I had with me: Twilight, Game of Thrones, and Naked in Death. In the end, he chose one of my favourites, Game of Thrones. Walking out with our respective books, we planned to eat and go out on the field to read for a bit.

Nel and Daryl chatted about the struggles of hunting game, Glenn and Maggie talked about something I couldn’t quite hear, and the rest went about their business. The both of us went to the food supply and picked out a couple cans and water bottles. Heating them up while we chatted about Game of Thrones, which was nice, I really did like spending time with him. Hearing his chuckle, Beth came over, curious.

“What’s funny?”

Judith cooed gently in her arms, prompting Carl to playfully mock her sounds, earning a loud giggle from her.

“Nothing much, just talking about the book I lent him.”

The three of us continued talking as we ate. Carl on the right of me, Beth on the other side. I caught a hint of annoyance from Carl and found it endearing. It was quite obvious that Beth had developed a crush on me. Carl thought as much, judging by his reaction. The thought gave me a feeling of pleasure and happiness, the chances of him liking me were high. Yet nervousness clutched my heart. _What now?_ This was the hard part, what to do about it. Asking him out would be kind of pointless, not much to do for a date around here. A sudden thought occurred to me, an embarrassing one, yet it would bring my feelings across quite clear.

Engrossed in thought, it took Carl poking my side to grab my attention. I looked at him questioningly.

“Nel’s calling you.”

Sure enough, her impatient look was directed at me. I excused myself, and made my way to her. She stood a meter or two away from the rest of the group. Before I had a chance to ask why she had called me over, a sly grin slipped onto her face. One that struck fear into my heart.

“I’ve been seeing those googly eyes you make.” _Oh lord._

Trying to sound casual, I feigned innocence.

“What? You knock your head somewhere?”

Her smirk only grew to a full blown grin, challenging that of a serial killer.

“Alex Walsh there is no use lying” She began, her voice lowering as she continued.

“You’re in loooove, and with the leader’s son no less.”

She giggled to herself as my face blushed crimson. At this point Beth, Carl, and Carol looked over at us. Probably seeing her bully me into blushing. I shoved at her and began to deny, yet she was far from convinced. Leaving me to one option, the truth, as uncomfortable as it was.

“Fine, fine. You’re right. Please don’t say anything, and don’t be so obvious about it.”

Pleading her, with my puppy eyes she started chuckling to herself and agreed. She had a pretty good poker face, evident as she walked back to the fire. Carol questioned her out of curiosity, probably because my face was still flushed. Thankfully she gave a noncommittal answer, which Carol took as a sign to halt her questioning.

Carl and Beth were quite interested in our little conversation as they pelleted questions at me, which I blew off. Beth was the first to give up.

“Fine fine! One day I’ll drag it out of you.” She said with a childish smirk.

Carl on the other hand was not appeased.

“No way are you getting off that easy. I’ll find out. Believe me, I will.”

He looked evilly at me and I could feel myself sweat. This was dangerous. God, if only I told Nel first, before she had the chance to bully it out of me. Speaking of her, she kept shooting me these knowing smirks, thankfully no one noticed.

I quickly finished my food, just barely avoiding choking on it. Grabbing my book, I sped out of there, Carl hot on my heels. On that familiar patch of grass we sat. I opened my book, grateful the sun was still burning brightly above us. Before I had the chance to read more than a paragraph, it was stolen from me. Realizing I hadn’t noted the page I was on, I tried to get it back, which was futile. He was just too fast. Smirking at me with those azure orbs, dread filled my stomach.

“You’re going to tell me exactly what that was before.”

I gave him a defiant glare. Not phased in the slightest, he continued.

“Or ill steal this book. In fact, you might start noticing things disappearing here and there.”

I sighed in exasperation.

“It wasn’t anything, just Nel teasing me and stuff. You know, regular things.” I stared him down, hoping he would drop it. Sadly he did not.

“Riiight, that’s why you came back the color of a tomato. And yeah, I saw those looks she kept giving you. Spill it, or _else._ ”

He shook the book in front of me to prove his point. I realized he wouldn’t let it go, and would follow through on his promise. Although…

I did need to tell him, at some point, somehow. For the meantime I decided to bide my time.

“Fine.”

He stared me down, expectantly waiting. It was then, in his moment of distraction, I grabbed my book out of his hands and ran. Thankfully, I had a head start, and by the time I was inside, sweating, he busted in.

He glared at me, my response was a playful smirk. Making way into my room. In my peripheral vision, I noticed Carl quickly walk to me, only to be called over by his father. I thanked the heavens. Knowing him, he would pester me until I had told him the truth.

I lit a couple candles in my room, so I could finally get some time to read. Only a couple pages I saw Carl walk into my room. I ignored his presence, half to see what he would do, the other to see how long I could keep it going.

As it turned out we were both pretty stubborn. He continued to try to get my attention. Starting with him incessantly poking me, to him talking to himself to try to get my attention. I only focused harder on my book. Then, he began to take things and move them around, creating a mess. He probably hoped I’d get annoyed and say something, breaking my silence. I never did, and it was hilarious to see him growl in frustration. Childishly he started to keep repeating the same phrase over and over to get my attention, it began to be quite a fun game.

“Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.”

I feigned a yawn, still not looking at him. Eventually, he gave up, with a heavy sigh of frustration. Leaving, his annoyance was evident, and only when he left the cell did I release the chuckle I had supressed. This guy is so stubborn, it was adorable.

I realized it was the first time in forever that I had so much fun. Just being around him, and with his family, it filled the loneliness inside. After making through a couple chapters, I managed to fall asleep, uncaring that the book was still in my hands. 


	5. Chapter 5: Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Time on The Perks Associated With The Apocalypse...
> 
> A round of applause went to Carl, whose stubborness knew no bounds.

(Carl’s POV)

A whole week had gone by. Alex _still_ hadn’t told me. It began as a simple curiosity, and turned into a running gag between us. Over the week, we had become much closer. I admit, it filled me with enthusiasm each morning to know I’d see his face. It was a great feeling, knowing I had a friend, not only my age but my gender. The only thing was, I had a dumb crush on the boy and I wasn’t alone. I hope he didn’t notice Beth’s feelings, but I doubt it. He was an observant and smart guy, if he didn’t it would be quite odd.

The day began as it usually did; breakfast, then everyone going off to their jobs. Today, Maggie was at the watch tower accompanied by Glenn, Hershel and Rick began planning the building of their farm, while Alex and I manned the walls. His pipe connected with the gruesome head of a walker, as I banged against the fence to attract more.

“So you never did tell me where you were before all this.”

Alex looked in thought. I had spent a lot of nights pondering the various mysteries that shrouded the boy. I hadn’t been confident enough to ask about the heavier topics just yet, but this would do for the meantime. If I could make him trust me, I assume he’d tell me. His voice brought me out of my contemplation.

“After everything went bad, Nel and I were part of a group. Smaller than this though. All together there were six of us.”

I inquired to their whereabouts, which brought a grimace to his face.

“Dead.”

I felt guilty for his expression.

“I’m sorry, I know how feels to lose people, over time they become your family.”

He killed another walker, then turned to face me. Instead of sadness – as I expected – he looked… angry?

“Don’t be sorry, they deserved what came to them.

Suddenly realization had come to me. Were they the ones that he and Nel killed? I weighed bringing up my deduction to him, in fear that he’d grow uncomfortable around me, but it was worth the risk, I suppose.

“Did you and Nel kill them?”

I made sure that my voice was soft; I wasn’t judging them, I hoped he realized that. Heavy silence was my only response. It made my deduction probable.

“It’s okay if you did. In this world there’s a lot of things you need to do to survive.”

Another walker fell, at my hands this time.

“Nel killed these three guys…”

I listened in carefully, doing the math. Besides them, there would have four people, did Alex kill the last one?

“They had raped this sweet girl there. Her name was Jasmine.” His voice took a hard edge.

Sympathy flooded me.

Although it seemed as though he didn’t kill anyone in that group. If not them, who did he kill? The question swirled in me, yet it didn’t look like he wanted to talk about it, or any of it for that matter.

“Oh god. I’m so sorry. You were right, they deserved what they got.”

He gave me a melancholy smile. Before I could ask what became of the girl, he answered just that.

“Nel took care of those guys, and the three of us left. She didn’t make it though.”

He seemed as though he was reliving that moment. Pain shot through me. Alex had most definitely been through a lot, as futile as it was, I wished I was there. Wished that I could have eased his pain, and protected him.

I didn’t question him about the ultimate fate of the girl, Jasmine. It seemed that they were close. To my right I saw him take a deep breath, and blink away the unshed tears. Coming up to him, I proceeded to give him a gentle rub on his back, my attempt at comfort. He only smiled sadly at me, grateful.

I suddenly got the urge. The urge to spill my guts. I wanted him to know everything about me, it was an unusual feeling. Usually I had kept such memories away, in fear of bringing everyone to sadness. Although with him, it was different.

I began to tell him about Shane. I believed he wouldn’t scrutinize me, or value me differently, but the shrill voice in my head announced such fears. To my immense relief, he had regarded me with comforting words, and a hug.

Maybe one day I’ll tell him about mom.

Maybe he’d reveal his other mysteries.

Although for now, I’d just focus on the present. The task we’ve been given.

The day passed slowly, and we sat on the same patch of grass. It had become routine between the two of us. Some days, we’d peacefully read together. Other times, we would talk about various topics. His mom, funny anecdotes from before the outbreak, and so on.

Although as usual, I would bring up that day. The day he returned with the brightest blush I’d ever seen on him. It was hard to bring it up in the boy, he was composed, and to add to his extensive repertoire, he was a good actor. Which brings me to constantly imagine what it could have been that day. What could have been said to provoke such a reaction. Nothing I seemed to imagine felt right.

“Are you ever going to tell me?”

He feigned confusion.

“What ever could you mean?”

I only playfully shoved him, returning my burning stare into his jade irises.

I watched as a foreign expression overtake his features. A mix of contemplation, and something akin to embarrassment, yet I could not be certain.

(Alex’s POV)

“Fine. I’ll tell you.”

He blinked a couple times, unbelieving. He waited patiently, but I said nothing and began to gaze at the sky.

“Well??” He prodded, impatiently.

I smirked and turned my gaze to him. I probably looked pretty confident, but inside I was apprehensive. Scratch that, I was terrified.

“After everyone falls asleep, come to my room and I will tell you.”

He peered at me, trying to decipher if I was lying. I held his gaze and he seemed satisfied. Carl agreed, thankfully. The plan was set. Carl and I began to talk about another topic: my old dream in life.

Back before everything had gone to shit, I had wanted to be a writer. I’d written a lot over the years, compiling various short stories, and even attempted a novel at one point. Furthermore, I loved to imagine scenarios in my head, playing them out when I had time to myself. He was quite obviously shocked at my confession, which evoked a laughter in me.

“I never thought you’d want to be a writer!”

I only resumed laughing.

“Why not? What did you think I wanted to be?”

He appeared to sink into deep contemplation. I didn’t expect him to take my questions so seriously, but this _was_ Carl. The boy was equal parts dedicatedly serious, and childish. Something I had begun to learn over the glorious week we spent together. Suddenly it seemed as if he had an epiphany.

“An actor, definitely an actor.”

I looked at him in astonishment. In my stupor I couldn’t form words. _An actor?_ The thought was terrifying.

“No way in hell would I ever voluntarily preform in front of others. That’s terrifying”

He raised an eyebrow at me.

“But you’re sociable, and you’s look good doing it.”

A blush colored his cheeks, as he attempted to revise his statement.

“Well not look good, not that you’re ugly, but you look the type.”

I could physically see him cringe at his own words. It was endearing, he was just so damn cute I wanted to hug him. Instead, I laughed to assure him I wasn’t judging him.

“Well thanks, but no. I’d probably freeze up on stage. I’d much rather write the script than preform it.”

Before he could reply, his stomach growled. And that was that. We had started to head back inside, only to just barely miss colliding against Beth. She smiled brilliantly at me, if not… mischievously. 

 

(Carl’s POV)

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Beth, like a sister of course. Although her obvious feelings for Alex made it hard to control my irritation. Alex greeted her, just as she nearly avoided bumping into us, a smile on her lips.

“Hey Alex, Carl.”

We looked at her expectantly, it was easy to see she came looking for us. Well, looking for Alex.

“Something wrong Beth?” I questioned, trying to figure out what she wanted from him.

“I was uh, looking for you Alex. Can you help me with something?”

Beth looked up at him hopefully, awaiting his response. I too was waiting.

“Sure, what did you need?”

Alex finally responded, scratching his head. A dread filled my stomach, what would she need help with? I was damn worried, but it was clear that I wasn’t privy to what she needed from Alex. Beth didn’t answer exactly what she wanted from him, much to my dismay, only asking to meet him at the empty watchtower. I hoped it was for lessons on shooting or something, but as great a shot he was, if that was what she needed she’d get either me or her sister to help. Also the fact that she wasn’t holding any weapons made it hard to believe.

Alex agreed to meet her there and she went off, leaving the two of us. I started thinking, most likely she was going to tell him about her feelings for him. I knew he wasn’t interested because, well, he _is_ gay, but I still felt a little nervous. To lighten the situation I spoke up.

“Heh, looks like she’s going to confess or something.” He voiced, sounding casual.

“Yeah I think so too.”

He left shortly thereafter. Damn, I hadn’t expected him to say that. I hoped he hadn’t noticed that she was interested. Well, it wasn’t like he was going to stop liking guys just for her, so I shouldn’t worry.

I did worry. Enough that I followed him. Which arguably a very bad idea. Sneaking up the lengthy stairs, I hid behind the side of the tower. Peeking in, I saw the both of them sitting side by side, legs dangling off the tower, forearms on the bar above the ground.

Thankfully from my position they wouldn’t see me, but I could see and hear them.

“So…” Alex began, motioning her to explain what she wanted from him. She lightly blushed and looked up at him. My stomach churned nervously.

“I-I wanted to talk to you, privately.”

He nodded, letting her speak.

Suddenly, she slowly leaned in, and… and _kissed_ him. I took a deep breath, my heart pounding. I shouldn’t be here. I just barely supressed the urge to run up to them. Relief flooded me and Alex pushed her away, gently. Beth looked at him in confusion.

“I, uh, thought you… you know.”

“Liked me too.” She finished her thought.

I couldn’t really see Alex’s face, but whatever she saw caused her to pull back rather quickly.

“Sorry, I don’t.”

Beth bit her lip, probably feeling awkward. Before she could say anything Alex clarified.

“Not that you aren’t beautiful, you are. It’s not that I don’t like _you,_ I just don’t like… girls.”

I realized I should probably leave before they noticed that I was there, or left and see that I wasn’t inside the cell block. Gently I descended the stairs, and ran inside. Acting casually I went inside and began talking to Carol. Moments later, I heard the pair I was spying on enter. Beth came up to us, and relieved Carol from baby duty. Just because I could I asked Beth about what happened moments before.

“So did Alex manage to help you out with what you needed?”

She smiled sadly and nodded, which made me feel guilty. I shouldn’t have asked her that, I may be irrationally jealous, but she is family. Suddenly I realized I was a horrible person for what I said. Although before I could wallow in guilt for much longer, I saw Alex walk past me, nearing the cells. I motioned for him to sit on the stairs with me.

“So what happened?”

A smirk fell to his lips, one that surprised me. For a guy who just got kissed against his will, he seemed damn chipper.

“Well…” He began, licking his lips.

“I was right, she confessed.”

Before I could formulate a response, he continued.

“Although, you _would_ know, since you spied on the whole thing.” 


	6. Chapter 6: Thank God For The Apocalypse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Time on The Perks Associated With The Apocalypse...
> 
> Grimes.  
> Carl Grimes.  
> Sadly he lacked the stealth of James Bond.

_OH GOD._

I blushed a furious crimson, sputtering. How on earth did he even see me? His back was to me! I searched my brain for something to say, to explain, but nothing came. I just continued to look at him incredulously.

“I-I….”

I tried to find something to say, but there was honestly nothing I could say. I was caught, and it was humiliating. Suddenly laughter erupted from him.

“ _Carl._ It’s fine.”

“Man, you look like you’re about to shit yourself.”

Involuntarily I laughed at his words, easing the tension.

“Sorry ‘bout that. I was, uh, curious.”

There was something in his gaze which told me he didn’t believe me, but he let it drop. Saving me from an awkward conversation, Maggie called him over. Alex obliged and shot me a wink, bringing the blush back. I ran back inside my cell to wallow in embarrassment.

Only a minute after, the person I least expected came into my room.

“Hey Carl, you busy?”

It was Beth. I shook my head and motioned for her to sit on the bed. She didn’t say anything to me for a while, just looked at the wall.

“You okay?”

She finally turned to look at me, but her gaze expressed nothing. 

“You like him right?”

My eyes widened and I began to deny it vehemently. Although she did not seem convinced in the slightest.

“It’s fine if you do, I won’t tell.”

I stared her down, trying to find any deception. Moments later I finally spoke up in a quiet voice.

“Y-yeah. I do. Why?”

She thought for a moment formulating her words.

“I confessed to him today, and he shot me down. He and you would work though.”

I was taken aback at her selflessness. There I was spying on them, lying to them, and she wished me luck.

“Why do you think so?”

She thought for another moment. Only to tell me she couldn’t say why, only that it was a feeling. I figured Beth didn’t want to tell me he was gay, in case I hadn’t known. Which was quite sweet of her. Before she left, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I waited a minute before rejoining the rest of them. I noticed my dad, Alex, T-Dog, Nel, and Daryl talking about something that seemed pretty serious. Curious, but not wanting to interrupt I came up to Glenn.

“What’s going on?” I motioned to the group.

“Rick’s gathering the best hand to hand fighters. They’re planning to take the infirmary tomorrow.”

Question answered, I suppose. It did make sense as to why they needed Alex. He was probably good with his swords. Most of us had to go hand to hand to conserve ammunition, but they were probably the best in the group. Maggie, Carol, Glenn, and I were better with guns rather than hand to hand. Worry spewed in my chest at the thought of Alex going out there. Yet I knew if I volunteer to go it would end as well as it did last time.

I wished that I was better at hand to hand. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m incapable of it, but there were others that were better suited. I worried at the amount of backup Alex has. Including him, it would only be five people, plenty of chance for the mission to go awry. Although since the prison halls were close together, it would be difficult to bring too many people, there just simply wouldn’t be any room.

It seems as though their planning was complete as they all went about their business. Glenn and Maggie slipped out to do… god knows what. Daryl took over the watchtower, grabbing the rifle. Dad and T-dog went out to patrol the fence, to dispatch any walker build up. I went up to the wall which contained the food we have, and grabbed a bottle of water.

Mid drink, Nel approached me.

“How’s your book going so far?”

_Good, it gives me plenty of time with your son. Who is a little too damn attractive for my liking._

“I am a little less than halfway in, but it’s pretty awesome.”

Small talk ensued, only to be broken off when Alex handed her a black covered novel. Curiously I asked her what it was. She informed me it was Twilight, one of the book options Alex had given me. Upon receiving it, she excused herself and perched herself on the top of the stairs, reading.

Alex then approached me and plopped down next to me, where we usually ate. Our backs to Nel. Before he had the opportunity to tease me about my spying session, I asked him about his voyage to the infirmary tomorrow. To which he expressed his gratitude for being involved in the process. _Cute._

I got lost into our conversation, I hardly noticed the rest of the group trickle in and begin to ready for sleep. Big day tomorrow I assume. My mind suddenly wanders to Alex and I’s plan for tonight. _Wow that sounds weird._ I’d have to stay up until everyone falls asleep, and then he’ll tell me what he was talking about with Nel. Which gnaws on my conscious. What could it even be? Also, why on earth is he waiting until the middle of the night to tell me?

“Deep in thought?” He jokes, a smile apparent.

“Yep!” I simply reply.

He narrows his jade orbs at me in curiosity, indirectly asking me to lay my thoughts out. I wonder if he’d tell me why I have to wait anyways. Although knowing him, it won’t happen. Worth a try though.

“Just wondering why you’re making me stay up late to tell me your deep dark secret.”

He suddenly grows a little… shy? Embarrassed? Which only prompts me to tease him. Something I enjoy very much in this world.

“Well if it’s bothersome we could forget it…” He challenges.

“As if that’s going to happen. I did tell you already, I will not rest until I know.”

A smirk lines my face, but soon drops and he grows serious. It seemed as if he was holding something back. I wondered what it could be, and why the secret was such a big deal. Understanding dawned on me as he carefully selected his words.

“You might regret wanting to know.”

Of course this only makes me even more curious. I assure him that he could tell me anything. Once I did, something flashed in his eyes. It reminded me of how dad looked when he thought about mom. The boy was a pile of mysteries. There is a lot I don’t know about him, I just didn’t know how to ask.

“Well what I have for you tonight isn’t my biggest secret, but worth knowing I suppose.”

I begin to wonder, what his biggest secret was. Maybe it had something to do with who he killed. That was one thing I desperately wanted to know. If he told me who it was, I think I’d be able to tell him about mom.

I hadn’t really talked to anyone about it. I had many opportunities, but it was hard to do. If I had confided in my group, it would only serve to bring them painful memories, something I had desperately avoided.

“See you soon.”

I smirked back at him, feeling anticipation climb in me. I slowly made way to the cell next to his, and waited.

It took _forever._

By the time the lights were extinguished, I had almost got up to see him twice, only to be halted by someone lumbering around in the dark. Carol had gone to check on Judy, then T-Dog had gone for a light night bathroom break. I couldn’t contain my excitement. Knowing that just to my left was Alex, lying awake, waiting for me.

My heart began to pound as I quietly got up. Praying that no one else would interrupt.

Apparently third time’s the charm.

I made my way out of my cell, heart pounding. It seemed a bit… romantic. Slipping into his room in the dead of night, away from everyone’s eyes. I begged my heart to calm down as I stood in front of his room. Taking a deep breath, I entered, locking eyes with the object of my desire.

“Well well well, look who finally came.”

I gulped.

“Waiting, were you?”

I was grateful that I sounded confident. Unlike the storm in my head and body. He only smirked harder at me, while I was busy getting lost in the sea of green that compiled his irises. Truthfully, I used to get numerous compliments about the striking color of my eyes, but his took the cake.

I made my way to his bed and sat down, secretly admiring the view. He was in a loose tank top, all white and showing off the muscle he built over the years. Only a year older than me, but he was much more… developed.  _Am I a creep or what?_

“Tell me already, the suspense is killing me!”

A soft smile came onto his face, which was illuminated by a singular candle in his room. _Romantic._

I tried to put that word away from my brain. This was just Alex confiding, something he doesn’t want anyone to accidentally hear. He bit his lip, looking nervous. I looked at him expectantly from my cross legged position. He scooted near me, only a few centimeters away from me. The closeness made my heart beat even faster as I took notice of the tiny clusters of moles on his neck and cheek. It was beautiful.

“Well…”

I stared harder.

“When Nel pulled me aside, she was teasing me. Teasing me about the person I liked.”

 _What?_ My heart sank. Who the hell could it be? Oh god if it was this secretive it was probably Glenn, or someone complicated like Daryl. I couldn’t control myself.

“Who??” My voice pitching higher.

He looked at me in contemplation, for a long time. Did he not trust me? It hurt to think about. I thought we had become close, very close, in fact.

Suddenly my whole mind blanked out.

(Alex’s POV)

I slowly grabbed Carl’s cheek, my thumb tracing his lips. He looked at me, unmoving, sporting nothing but genuine surprise. How he didn’t know about my feelings were a wonder.

Licking my lips I leaned in until our lips touched in a chaste kiss. My insides burned with electricity. Laying my other hand on his thigh, I began to kiss him deeper. His top lip in between my lips, sucking gently. His surprise vanished, overtaken by instinct. I felt his hand grip my neck, pushing us against each other.

It was difficult to pull apart. Only due to the lack of oxygen did we release each other with a quiet groan. I looked into his eyes, my hand never leaving his thigh. He looked wonderfully flushed, attempting to catch his breath.

“I hope that answers your question.”

Carl slowly reached for me again, and before our lips met again in an exotic dance he whispered to me,

“I don’t think I heard your answer clearly.”

Once again he was on me. My heart beat loudly, loud enough for him to hear. Somehow we went from our sitting position, to him on top of me. Gloriously pressed to me, I stroked my tongue against his lip, breathing through my nose this time.

He gently met my tongue with his, and I trailed my hand through his messy mop of brown hair. I lost track of time while he was on me, that is, until we heard footsteps. We immediately pulled apart in paranoia. I quickly blew the candle out, and we laid still. Listening to the stranger’s steps. Although even as the stranger took their damn time, I grew impatient.

Here was Carl, pressed up against me, breathing heavily on my neck. I couldn’t contain myself. I trailed quiet kisses down his neck, careful not to leave any marks. I felt his heart pound against mine, a musical symphony that rivaled Bach.

We soon disregarded whoever was awake, and resumed our impassioned kiss. If I could, I would kiss Carl for hours, for days and never grow weary. He adjusted his position, to my right, so we lay side by side, facing each other.

“I-I want to hear it…”

His voice was soft, as well as a little breathless, no doubt from our heavy session. I only smiled, and uttered the words he so desperately wanted to hear, feeling them flow out simply, as if they were a scientific fact.

“I like you.”

His shudder at my words only served to inspire me to keep repeating them each time I laid a kiss on his forehead, his cheek, his lips…

“I like you too, a lot. Damn you make my head spin, Alex.”

The way he said my name was intoxicating. I had forgotten as to why I had idled for so long without telling him, s _howing_ him. Truthfully I was petrified. Scared that if he had feelings for me, he wouldn’t want to confront them.

“What’s wrong?”

He looked at me anxiously. The boy had become in tune with my emotions quite easily.

“I was just… scared.”

He looked at me perplexed, his brows furrowed. I began to explain.

“I wanted to tell you from the moment I began to feel this way. I was just scared that you wouldn’t want to be with me. _Be with a man.”_

He looked at me for a moment, compassionately. Leaning in, he kissed me, enthralling and tender, expunging those fears.

“I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.”

A genuine smile materialized onto my face at his statement. I hugged him tighter, feeling his body fit into mine perfectly.

“Thank god for the apocalypse.”

He put his face into my shoulder, supressing a loud laugh.

We laid together for the longest time, in silence. Attempting to absorb what had just occured. It was real. He was here with me, and he felt the exact way that I did. Such a simple act, lying together. Natural, yet in such a world it was the hardest thing. Threats looming from every orifice of the world, ready to destroy any happiness it recognized.

“What does this make me, to you, I mean?”

He inquired innocently.

“Mine.”

His faced softened, adoration surging inside of him.

We shared another beautiful moment, until I had realized something dreadful. How would we be together? I doubt this is what his father would want, Rick is passionate about his son. In that case we’d have to keep it a secret, but for how long would that work? We needed to discuss our options.

“Carl?”

He opened his eyes, peering at me.

“What about the others?”

He seemingly understood what I meant. Seeing the emotions and thoughts flashing past his face, as he arrived at my conclusion.

“I don’t think my dad will understand. I don’t want him to keep me away from you, believe me, he’d be try.”

His face expressed pain at the thought, mine mirroring his. Carl clutched me harder at the thought.

“So we hide it?”

He reviewed his options, until he seemed to agree. For the meantime we’d have to pretend. I understood the need for such actions, yet it did nothing to soften the truth of the matter. Once again I was put into a position in which I couldn’t show my feelings for another, for such stupid reasons.

I sighed, this meant I couldn’t fall asleep with him next to me. Regretfully that condemned me to sleep without his body heating mine, without his heart beating near mine.

“I should go. If we fall asleep here it’d be difficult to explain.”

I nodded, dejectedly. He was right. Solemnly he got up, kissed me goodnight, and went to his respective cell. I felt a sudden loneliness, it was significantly worse than before. At least in the past week, I had not known the satisfaction of being his, yet to experience such bliss, only for it to be taken away was difficult. Nearly impossible to allow myself to let him go. 


End file.
